Trophy Wife Bachelorette

We’re in Croatia, and according to Jef, it’s the perfect place to fall in love! Seriously, is anywhere not the perfect place to fall in love? I think if one of the episodes was in a dark alley in Camden, NJ, someone would still pull that line.

Travis’s Date

The first date goes to Travis, who unfortunately is stuck in the Friend Zone. I think he’s so far in the friend zone that he may or may not offer Emily a tampon on this date (shout out to Jenna!). Emily thinks that her and Travis are both fish out of water in Croatia, being from West Virginia and Mississippi, but luckily, she brought her “Idiots Guide to Croatia” and can explain all of the noteworthy sights to Travis.

Early on during the date, Travis tells Emily that he was engaged before, and it wasn’t to Shelly the Egg. Then, they get some ice cream and he takes a lick of her pistachio cone. Travis definitely contracted Emily’s mononeucleosis. They come upon a landmark, the Balancing Stone, which requires balancing and fingering the hole on the wall. This isn’t Travis’s forte… No comment. Emily was disappointed that he didn’t take his shirt off because she’s been wondering what’s underneath it. I’m going to guess it involves two nipples and a bellybutton… Hopefully an innie.

After the balancing shindig, they dance awkwardly and Travis admits that this date is a 10 on the 8-scale of dates. If only Emily felt the same…

Back at the house… The guys are debating on whether or not Travis will be returning, or if they’ll be getting a visit from the creepy luggage remover man. Doug thinks that Travis is romantic, which gives me hope that these two can find love after they’re both kicked off.

The date card arrives and Arie really hopes it’s him. So does America, Arie. But sadly, the group date involves everyone except Ryan. Womp. And let’s talk about Ryan for a second… What in god’s name was he wearing? I owned this shirt in black and white, back in 1999, from Joyce Leslie. Not okay, Ryan. Give it back to your little sister.

Back to the date… Emily and Travis enjoy dinner, where he tells her that he hasn’t dated since him and his ex-fiance broke up two years ago. Talk about a dry spell! Someone better dust off their balls and get back out there. Unfortunately, Emily thinks that Travis is an amazing friend but doesn’t see a future together. His exit made me very sad and watching him cry wasn’t fun. And because it wasn’t in a minivan, I couldn’t even make fun of it.

 

Highland Games

ABC must have been hurting for funding from Disney, because the date kicked off with a screening of Disney Pixar’s new film, Brave. In Emily’s words, “Sometimes a girl just wants to go and see a movie.” Yeah, not in Croatia. I’ll add that to the list of things I’d never want to do there.

After the flick, Emily tells each guy to get in a kilt and get ready for the Highland Games. Clearly the best part of the entire season was watching the guys strip down and the incredible crotch shots. Is this weird of me?

Oh well, don’t care. The men follow tradition and ride in on donkeys. Since they have to ride in on a jackass, I’m wondering where Kalon is. The whole date was basically about Chris’s courage and sucky-ness at sports, and Sean’s beefcake amazing-ness. That pretty much sums it up!

Emily gives the bravery award to Chris, for being a good sport and giving it his all. It’s basically the Miss Congeniality sucker award. But, with the trophy, he gets a make-out session.

 

Later on at the after party, the guys cheers to Emily and take a sip of their drinks, while Wolf slugs down a shot of whiskey – thatta boy! Emily first spends some time with Sean, who she gives a clear indication to that he’s a frontrunner, telling him to know where he stands with her even once things get harder. Then, her and Arie go for a walk and talk about their slight riff last week. He feels like she was a little tough on him, so to make it up to her, he gives her the BEST.MAKEOUT.EVER.

Um, hello, 50 Shades of Hotness. Was anyone else ridiculously turned on at home watching this? Where the hell do I find someone that kisses like that? Jesus Christmas.

After cooling down from the sexiest make-out of all time, Emily chills on the couch with Jef, who tells her she gives him the feeling that people write novels about. They talk about why it took Jef so long to kiss her and then he lets her in on a secret… “I’m freaking crazy about you.” I don’t know what it is, but I’m freaking crazy about that line. Well played, Jef.

Chris and Emily chat, and he tells her that once he loves her, he’ll love her forever. I can’t help but find Chris borderline creep status. But according to Emily, tonight’s rose is all about how the guys made her feel, so she gives Chris the rose. I’m sorry… Maybe I’m missing something. HOW THE HELL DID ARIE MAKE YOU FEEL DURING THAT MAKE OUT? Because he made me feel things that I can’t write in this blog. Whatever, Emily…

 

Ryan’s Date

Ryan takes hours to get ready for his date because according to Arie, he shaves his legs and plucks his fingernail hairs. I’m more unsure about his blue suede shoes, and although I love Elvis (Yes, my mom dated him and I still think he might be my father), I’m not convinced these were cool.

Although Emily thinks that Ryan is trouble, there’s a playful side to him that she likes. After driving around, boating and eating oysters, and chatting along the water, Emily and Ryan get to the much anticipated “trophy wife” conversation. I have mixed feelings about this. I’m not going to say I’m a fan of the term, or Ryan, but I get what he’s saying. He wants a wife that he can show off and be proud of. I think too much was made of this comment.

Later that evening, Emily dresses up like a trophy and they have dinner in a castle. Ryan rattles off the 12 qualities that he was looking for in a woman, which strangely reminded me of something Borat would do. I was waiting for, “She must be good with plow. No gypsies.” But instead, he basically wants a babe that takes care of her family. Unfortunately for him, Emily feels like she has to be too perfect around him and that she doesn’t fit into his mold, so she sends him packing. I appreciated Ryan’s shock and the fight that was left in him, but it made me feel bad for Emily. Not a fun spot to be in!

I thought she might have caved and changed her mind, but luckily, she held her ground.

After the date, Arie searches ALL OVER Croatia to find Emily and when he arrives, says. “It was hard to find you!” Right, like the producers didn’t stage this and give you a lift. The cameras just so happened to be there waiting for you. And Emily was still in her make-up, looking fresh to death. Emily and Arie cuddle in bed, make out more, and make me ridiculously jealous. She even tells him that next week is going to be fun and gives him a mock rose. Can we say, frontrunner?

 

Cocktail Party 

At the cocktail party, Wolf opens up to Emily about his grandparents and finally goes in for the kiss. Then, Emily basically begs Daddy Doug to stop being Humble Doug and kiss her, but instead he cries.

Then, just when we think Emily isn’t going to give out the last rose of the evening, she totally goes and redeems herself, giving out an extra rose!

 

 

Next week looks incredible! I can’t wait to see the producer drama go down. What’d you think of this week? Were you dreaming about kissing Arie too? Which guy is the frontrunner in your book?