Bachelorette Not-So-Fantasy-Suites

We’re in Curacao this week, but all I can think of is blue curacao liquor. Because one time in high school, my friend and I stole that from her parent’s liquor cabinet, got really drunk and threw up blue the next day (Sorry Grandma!). Anyhow, in case anyone forgot how much Emily likes Jef, Arie and Sean, she gives us an unnecessary 15 minute recap on the guys and their time together so far. Then writes “Emily & ?” in the sand… Magically, guys all across the country are changing their names to “?”.

 

Sean’s Date

The first date is called, “Barbie and Ken Do Curacao,” and ABC pulls through giving us the first helicopter in like, forever. Sean admits that he’s in love with Emily and is hoping there’s a point when it just comes out naturally. It’s similar to how I feel about bad gas after Chinese food. After the helicopter ride, they laid on the sand and talk about Hometown Dates. Emily seems concerned that Sean treated all of his ex-girlfriends like buddies, but his sisters explained that he tried to keep girls at arms length to avoid the Stage-5-Clingers. Sean can’t tell that Emily seems nervous because he’s blinded by the sun and squinting non-stop.

Then, they head into the ocean and make me regret the ice cream sandwich I just went to town on.

Later that night, Sean reads Emily a letter that he wrote for Little Ricki, assuming he’s going to be her Daddy one day. And I must note, exceptionally queer handwriting from Sean! His letter was really sweet and Emily, not thinking about getting his hopes up, says “This is gonna mean a lot to her.” AKA, you’re going to be Little Ricki’s Daddy soon, so you should get your hopes up.

Sean tells Emily that he can’t picture his life without her and has fallen in love with her. Smooth moves by Sean pulling that out right before the Fantasy Suite card arrives… And with that, they head to the suite. Since Emily is all about being real, how awesome would it be if Little Ricki was chillin’ in the Fantasy Suite when they opened the door? “Hey Sean… You really wanna be my Dad? Welcome to Buzkill Cockblock City! Now make me a PB&J.” Instead, Emily and Sean get hot and heavy in the hot tub.

But since Emily is a Mom and wants to protect Little Ricki, she kicks Sean out later that night, making him feel like most college sorority girls, around 8am after a social.

 

Jef’s Date

What better way to see Curacao than by a boat?! Well, you know, because Emily already did the helicopter thing yesterday. Emily and Jef head out on a ridiculously large yacht and talk about the Hometown Date and meeting each other’s parents. Then Jef asks Emily if she thinks he’d be a great parent and why, which I really liked. And rather than tell him it’s because he is a kid, she tells him he’s great with kids.

Jef and Emily frolick in the water and make out all over the shore line. It’s pretty obvious that she’s into him. And according to Jef, “The sun is setting in Curacao, but for me and Emily, our life is just beginning.”

That night, Emily tells Jef that she’d move wherever he wanted to be, which seemed bold. Then he asked her why it hasn’t worked out with other guys and she thinks they were all good on paper but weren’t right for her. Makes sense considering she’s dated all guys with “status.” Jef then tells Emily that he sees the end game with her and is absolutely crazy about her. BUT, not crazy enough about her to get raunchy on television, because before Emily has a chance to speak, Jef turns down the Fantasy Suite. BOOM.

Jef and Emily head back to the Fantasy Suite for some PG-13 making out, but like Emily said, a few hours wasn’t going to make a difference.

 

Arie’s Date

Emily is pumped to see Arie and “hang out” with him all day… AKA play tonsil hockey all day. Arie and Emily go swimming with the dolphins and he’s so protective over her that he won’t even let the dolphins get too close to her. They reminisce about all of their favorite dates and with no surprise, they all involve heavy making out. I’m not seeing the problem here.

At dinner, Emily isn’t satisfied with what she knows about Arie. She needs to know what Arie does on Tuesdays.

I wish someone wanted to know what I do on Tuesdays. I wake up, check how many people have read my blog overnight, then deal with commuting for 2 hours (all while reading Bachelorette recaps), go to work, deal with commuting for another 2 hours (Typically Ashley Spivey’s posted her blog by this point which entertains me)… Then I have “girls night” with my mom, where we go out to dinner and analyze our lives over wine, head home and watch television. EXCITING, RIGHT?!

Their Tuesdays don’t match up. Emily is up before sunrise, while Arie is sleeping off a hangover till at least 9am from partying with race-car groupies. I sense that Emily is a little nervous about their lifestyles meshing.

Arie explains that he first wants to be Little Ricki’s friend and seen as the fun guy before he becomes her Dad. Arie’s not in a rush. Little does he know we’re on Bachelorette-time and everything is a rush!

Emily doesn’t trust her vagina, so she’s not even reading the Fantasy Suite card to Arie, in fear of her chastity belt disintegrating on national television in the Fantasy Suite. Personally, I think she’s CRAZY.

Rose Ceremony

Emily and Chris Harrison, who looks mighty casual tonight, have a heart-to-heart about Emily’s toughest decision yet. She says that she hasn’t made one choice she regrets yet. I’m willing to say that she’ll regret her hair-do from the Rose Ceremony, but you never know. She doesn’t know what to do, because she sees a life with all three remaining men. Personally, I’d quit the show, take all three guys with me and become a polygamist, but I guess that’s against the rules.

The guys each made Emily private (oh yeah, real private), video messages to watch. I hope one of them is naked or something exciting! All three were quite cheesy, but Jef’s made me laugh the most. He always has such ridiculous lines – On the ferris wheel, he didn’t wanna get down and on the floor in Prague, he didn’t wanna get up. Jef sounds a little lazy!

In a heartbreaking ceremony, Emily eliminates Sean, because as incredible as he is on paper, it’s not happening in her heart or her vagina. She walks him out and is speechless, except for a couple words and many tears. She said it perfectly by saying she wanted it to be him. You can want to love someone, but you can’t make it happen.

Sad to see Sean go, but he’s a fabulous catch and isn’t going to have any trouble finding ladies post-Bachelorette.

So, who are you picking for the win? Do you go with your heart or your vajay? Who are you most excited to see next week on the Men Tell All? Leave some comments!