Bachelor Pad Premiere

I feel like I just hit the blogging lottery. Honestly, there is no better show than the Bachelor Pad. The material is endless.

Before I start, I’m giving a quick disclaimer. If you’re on this show, I have full reign to make fun of you endlessly. You signed up to be on reality television, drank yourself into an oblivion, and probably acted like a hooker. If I did that, I’d expect people to rip me a new one across the country. That’s why I didn’t send in an audition tape to be a #superterd. I knew that my Grandma would be mortified.

This also goes for my Twitter account. Tonight I had the pleasure of receiving a tweet from a fellow Jersey girl, a friend of #superterd Donna. She tweeted, “Yet your avi looks like fucktard the clown.” For anyone not on Twitter and not down with the lingo, my “avi” is an Avatar, but since this girl is so cool, she abbreviated it. My “avi” is this:

But regardless, this is a warning for anyone who has a problem with my comments. Get over it and strap on a set. And for this “clown,” I never said anything bad about Donna tonight. Besides mentioning her ginormous breasts, Jersey stomping grounds, and the fact that she sketched a picture of Michael Stag (which IS creepy and she has to know that), I said nothing.

Moving along…

Chris Harrison introduces us to the third season of Bachelor Pad, letting us know that, “Bachelor Pad is home to the men and women who didn’t find love on Bachelor or Bachelorette, so they’re coming on Bachelor Pad to possibly win $250,000, find love and maybe a disease along the way.” And with that, we meet our contestants, who I’ve already given my thoughts on a few weeks ago.

Then, we meet the “Superfans,” who I would much rather call #superterds for the rest of the season, or for the three weeks they last.

• First up is Paige, a fan of the show and someone who is clearly way too well behaved to be in the house.
• Then Chris, a SWAT team member, who watches Bachelor/ette weekly, snuggled up in toolish pajamas, with wine on his couch. Chris, call me if you want to be my gay bestie.
• Donna, the #superterd hottie, could wear a bikini all day and is typically spotted at the Jersey Shore. In her spare time, she sketches mug-shots of Michael Stagliano, because that’s obviously the way to get to a guys heart.
• David lives in Hoboken and is an MMA fighter. This scares me because I hang out in Hoboken often and worry I may have to see him.
• And lastly, the twins. These two definitely thought they were auditioning for Teen Mom and accidently ended up on the Bachelor Pad. Next stop, Celebrity Rehab. Are we sure that these people get screened for STDs?

The limos begin to pull up and first up is Chris, who thinks that being in this house will help his healing process. So will Valtrex, but obviously he’s going for something less subtle. Chris is followed by Lindzi, Ed who is looking very Miami Vice, Nick and Rachel.

Then we have the two “who the hell are you” contestants – Sarah, from Brad Womack’s season, and Ryan, from Deanna’s season. Ryan is remembered as the 28 year old virgin and now, the 32 year old virgin. Let’s be serious… No one likes a virgin. At least on Bachelor Pad.

Then we have two of my favorites, Reid and Jaclyn, and right out of the gate, Jaclyn is killing one-liners, asking Ryan if he’s a fan because she’s never seen him before. Then immediately changing her focus to Blakeley, saying she’s 82 and ripping her sparkley outfit to shreds.

Then, the #superterds arrive, which is obviously entertaining.

Eventually, the whole gang rolls in and it’s time to black out. Ed is the first to take off his pants and jump in the pool, and somewhere, Jillian Harris is thanking God that she didn’t marry him. Following Ed is Donna, who immediately makes her parents proud with this gymnastic move.

Chris Harrison tries to round up the kiddies and explain the rules, first being that everyone needs a partner right off the bat. Ed is busy getting the water out of his ears.

The couples start pairing up and no immediate drama ensues, which is slightly disappointing. Jaclyn heads over to the “cold tub” to tell Ed that he has to be her partner, because by default, they’re both the most drunk in the house and will be a fantastic Hangover Team.

 

The next morning, it’s time to “Fall for Love.” Each couple secures themselves in a hanging heart.

Reid tells Paige to keep her legs tight, which is cool because she’s probably the only one capable of doing that.

Surprisingly, Nick and Erica are first to drop, even though he’s a personal trainer.

The twin’s emit such “twinergy” that they miraculously win this challenge and make everyone want to throw up in their mouths, including viewers.

 

Later that night, David, Brittany and Erica get to “pier into their future” and head on a date to the boardwalk. Because they want to reenact past dates, they go skinnydipping, which is much more nauseating than when Courtney and Ben did it, because well, Courtney and Ben were hot.

Back at the house, Jamie thinks there is chemistry between her and Chris. If this means another awkward lap dance, BRING IT ON. With her full face of pageant make-up on, she seduces Chris until Blakeley and Jaclyn storm in and completely cock-block Chris’s game. Blakeley thinks that Chris is betraying her, which is totally normal, since they’ve been partners for like, what 24 hours? And Jaclyn is a genius… There to help stir the pot, but staying out of the line of fire.

The next day, it’s game-play time, which is super boring. It ends up being the Veterans v. Rookies, minus Reid who thinks he might like Paige, the girl next door, and tries to keep her around. He tries to get Kalon on board, but in the end, can’t get anyone.

Chris and Paige are sent packing, in the most non-shocking, first elimination ever.

Poor little Paige is sad. She thinks that she could have had it all – love and money. Paige, you have a much better shot finding those things back in your normal life.

And Chris, poor Chris. Chris thinks he is part of the Bachelor family now. Oh dear Chris…

 

Okay, how f’ing amazing is Bachelor Pad? Did you love it as much as I did? Do you see any immediate power couples? Favorites? Least favorites? I can’t wait for next week already!