I think that the new promo’s for Bachelor Pad should say… Feeling bad about yourself? Watch Bachelor Pad! In the past week, many people have asked me why I’m not on this season. “Jen! What the hell? Why aren’t you a Super Fan?” And my response has been, “I’m not a #superterd because I knew my Grandma would disown me.” And this week was proof.
Before I get into the shitshow that was Week 2 of Bachelor Pad, I’d first like to give a shout out to #superterd Dave Mallet, who I had the pleasure of meeting at the Jersey Shore this weekend. Luckily, I have a really creepy friend who took a picture of us and tweeted it.
Dave’s a pretty cool guy and we share the love of Manasquan, NJ. Best part about Dave is that he gave me full permission to make fun of him as much as I needed to, noting that when you go on a reality television show, you’re fair game.
This week’s episode kicked off with an argument from the #superterd twins after last week’s Rose Ceremony. One of them was calling the other a slut, presumably the one who hasn’t slept with The Situation.
To honor the USA and celebrate the Summer Olympics, this week’s competition was Rhythmic Gymnastics! What better way to embarrass the United States than to dress up a bunch of animals in spandex and ask them to twirl ribbons!? The guys and girls each need to come up with their own routines. Some are nervous and others are embracing the challenge, like Blakeley who is an expert in the dancing field… Usually involving a pole. And Jamie, the token pageant girl, who can’t wait to wear sparkles and smile like a cheeseball!
During practice, we get to see multiple shots of Erica’s vagina, something that the population of Houston is probably familiar with, and Michael’s ribbon dancing skills put the other guys to shame. Many of the girls note that Blakeley and Jamie are good at this and “very flexible,” which is something they’ve probably had a lot of practice with.
The challenge kicks off and mostly, I’m hoping for a ball slip. Ashley, JP and some Olympic chick are judging. But the challenge was disappointing… It lacked a ball slip, barely any spandex crotch shots, and with the exception of some ass cheek, I was let down. As Donna wished, I almost would’ve rather watch Michael tie her up with ribbons and dance around her.
The worst performances went to Erica and Ed, and the best to Blakeley and Michael. Blakeley finally won something for her expert dance skills besides a handful of dollar bills shoved in her bra! Therefore, Chris is sticking around as her partner.
It’s time to pick three people to bring on the date and Michael is up first, and because he only came back on reality television for the 15th time to find love, he picks Lindzi, Rachel and Donna. They head to the Pomona Theater to watch a concert and dance around with random locals. Maybe the budget for Bachelor Pad was a bit slimmer, as I have no clue who this band is or who they’re sharing the venue with. Rachel and Michael start making out, because according to him, she has those eyes that draw him in. Personally, I think it’s her bangs. A few feet away, Donna is mentally sketching herself murdering Rachel in her sleep.
Back at the house, Ryan is proving why he’s a virgin, by decorating Jamie’s bed to say “Happy Birthday” on her bed in Twizzlers. If that doesn’t scream out sex, I don’t know what does!
Michael has some one on one time with each of the ladies, and by one on one time, I mean the game, “Who’s the best kisser?” After an intense make-out session with Rachel, it’s time to chat with #superterd Donna. She decided to be the biggest creep of all time and show him the sketch she drew of him back at home BEFORE EVER MEETING HIM. As if Donna was a Make-A-Wish patient, Michael made out with her to make her hopes and dreams come true. And in return, Donna licked his face like an eager cat licking it’s paws. Remind me to never, ever, do this on a first date.
With no shock, Rachel gets the rose and Donna heads home with Lindzi to sketch her next victim.
Back at the house, Chris is doing work. And by work, he’s solidifying his spot as the biggest douche in the game at this point, kissing Jamie and then moving along to Blakeley and falling asleep with his tongue in her mouth. Jamie walks in, sees them making out in her bunk bed, and decides she’ll sleep on the top bunk anyway, while crying. Totally normal!
It’s time for Blakeley’s date and she picks Chris, Ed and Dave. Dave, rocking his third New Jersey themed shirt, is excited for this date and wants to take home a souvenir from Bachelor Pad, besides an STD. The date is a Soapbox Derby and Chris does everything in his power to make sure that Dave doesn’t get a rose. I’m not sure if Chris remembered how terrible he is at all-male challenges (Rewind to the Highland Games). Based on Chris’s creepy past, if Dave had won this race, Chris might have killed him.
Lucky for Dave’s life, Ed won the race, because pickles always win. Later that night, they head to one of the Bachelor pads and continue the date. Dave, who is acting like he was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness that day, tells Blakeley that every day on Bachelor Pad is a treasure and begs to stay in the game. She doesn’t care and instead, chooses Chris to give the rose to, who has already deemed himself King of Bachelor Pad.
(Glad Ed is still rockin’ the short shorts. And this picture doesn’t look gay, at all.)
Later that night, shit gets wild. MAKE OUT CITY!
First, Erica and Donna…
Then, Lindzi and Kalon have a snuggle fest…
Dave loses all sense of dignity and makes out with one of the twins…
And Sarah, who doesn’t want to be the prude, decides to learn about Ed’s flying pickle…
Um, where did Sarah go?
Then, the twins self-implode. Honestly, watching these two lose their minds and leave the show made me wonder why people like them are allowed to breathe the same air as I am. They fight all through the night and in the morning, decide to leave, after washing their hair with WD-40.
But first, one of the twins needs to say goodbye to Dave, who apparently got shafted and had to sleep outside. David looks incredibly upset and moved by the twins’ decision to leave.
No one cares that the twins left, even Dave, who had no idea that they went home until hours later. The good news is that all of the ladies are safe and only one guy will be going home.
It’s all about the guys at the Rose Ceremony. Kalon plants the seed that Ryan should go home instead of #superterd Dave, but Reid throws a wrench in the plan, getting multiple girls to vote for Ed. Even, Sarah, who played with his pickle just hours earlier!
In the end, Jamie wasn’t impressed by Ryan’s Twizzler gift, and voted him off. Now, the Reid and Ed fight is bound to erupt!
What’d you think of this week’s episode? This is a total shitshow! Do you feel better knowing that you’re not one of the twins? Are you Team Ed or Team Reid? Leave some comments and see you next week!