To pick up where we left off last week, my guess is that Reid wishes he could take the Plan B version of a Rose Ceremony aftermath drug. Drama is hitting the roof. Sarah is feeling guilty for voting for Ed, and assures he’s thinking, “Oh my god, who did I hook up with?” when really, he’s thinking, “You think she’ll still give me blow jobs?” Instead of worrying about his manhood, he talks to Jaclyn about wanting to leave, but she convinces him otherwise. Apparently Ed didn’t realize he was signing up for lying, cheating and stealing Bachelor Pad.
Challenge
The next morning, the prisoners finally get to leave the house for their first challenge. They board a party bus, which is a serious let-down, lacking drinking, drugs, stripping or pole dancing, and arrive at an obstacle course for a Hot Sludge Funday. The course involves crabs and whipped cream, and cracking nuts on the contestants heads… Sounds like just another day in the Bachelor Pad house.
The contestants don’t get to choose their partners, and are randomly paired based on where they’re standing. Some, like Michael and Sarah, are excited. Others, like Kalon, have mixed feelings, saying “Erica can eat her way through the ice cream Pac-Man style.” If that’s not a good partner, I don’t know what is.
The girls are up first…. Through the foam, down the fudge slide, cracking nuts like it’s their day job… And Jamie is dominating. This isn’t her first rodeo. The ladies turn things over to the men and immediately, David and Michael are frontrunners. But the best part of the challenge is Chris Harrison’s commentary, providing more enthusiasm and wit than the Olympic commentators.
The race is a tight one, but in the end, David’s enthusiasm to jump right into the nutsack, gave him an edge in front of Michael to win the gold. At the end, Ed and Chris both struggled, which wasn’t surprising on Chris’s part because we all saw him at the Highland Games. But as my Mom said, “Ed shouldn’t just eaten that fudge, grabbed a beer and called it a day.”
David’s Date
#Superterd David, who is proving to be a real threat, gets the first date, with the card reading, “This is a night to remember,” something very rare on the Bachelor Pad. He’s prompted to choose three women he’ll never forget, hopefully not for leaving him with the herp. In hopes of motorboating, he chooses Blakeley, Erica and Jamie for the date, which turns out to be a mock prom.
The girls get glammed up while David practices his dance moves for the camera. Immediately, Jamie feels right at home in a sea of sequins, and her and Erica act like they’re in high school again. Blakeley, who’s been out of high school for more than 15 years, is over it. She’s in it to win it.
The date is full of fruit punch, country music by some no-name band and awkward chit-chats.
Back at the house… Shit’s getting weird. Ed hooks up with Jaclyn and once again, yells out like a hyena on steroids from the bedroom. Remember when Ed had “bedroom issues” on The Bachelorette? Things must have changed. Sarah thinks that Ed will regret hooking up with Jaclyn because “she’s not his type,” which really means she’s still regretting trying to kick off the guy she gave a blow job to.
Back at prom… Jamie pulls the sad card and cries to David to steal the rose. Hey, all is fair in love and Bachelor Pad. Blakeley interrupts and tries a different route… Threatening David, which ends up putting him on her “Diarrhea List” and gets Jamie the rose. Jamie is SO excited to finally get a rose on this show… Reminder Jamie – It’s from a Superfan.
Rachel’s Date
Time for Rachel’s date and she chooses Nick, Tony and Michael. Basically, it’s a date with Michael, with Nick and Tony along for the ride. They head to the Wax Museum for the “Bachelor Experience,” where they’ll be turned into wax figures using make up and latex. Definitely the first time that latex is being used on Bachelor Pad.
Back at the house… Jamie admits that she just wants to fall in love on television and show her kids one day. Oh yeah, great thing to show your kids one day! She creeps up on Chris while he’s sleeping, because she’s always really good at making things happen, but he gives her the “It’s not you, it’s me” shtick… AKA it’s her.
And with that let down, she climbs in bed in her leopard bikini praying for a yeast infection.
Back on the date… The four of them are all latex-ed and orange-ed up, ready to scare some fans. Once again, a real weird date choice by ABC. And as usual, Michael stole the show. Rachel obviously gives him the rose and sends Tony and Captain Protein Powder home in the limo. Rachel and Michael are ridiculously cute, and she confesses to being nervous about their relationship, which he immediately puts at ease.
At the pad, Sarah tells Ed that Reid is plotting to kick him off, so Ed wants to smash Reid. And not in that way, perverts. Ed calls Reid out in the hot tub for his conspiracy theory, as if Bachelor Pad is similar to a significant worldly event.
Rose Ceremony
Michael is planning a quick trip to the moon after the Rose Ceremony and showed up wearing a space jacket. Tony comforts Blakeley outside, assuring her that she’s not going home. And in a similar way, Nick is comforting Donna, allowing her to lick his face clean of any protein remnants, and easing her fear of leaving the Bachelor Pad without getting any action. Because no one leaves the Bachelor Pad without a lifelong STD! Not sure about you guys, but I’d be cool never seeing Donna’s tongue again.
Jaclyn, who clearly won Best Dressed of the evening, talks to Reid about Ed going home and her vulnerability. Reid convinces her that Ed’s going home, another dumb move on his part. To match her awesome dress, Jaclyn is also sporting a giant bruise on her leg. I wonder if it’s from Ed or the Fudge Challenge.
Obviously, Reid’s plan backfires and Donna and Reid are sent home, in a close vote. As his parting gift, Reid is given full access to Donna’s tongue on the flight home, to use however he pleases.
And again, Ed lasts longer than Reid. Hopefully not in all aspects of life…
So, what’d you think of the episode? Were you Team Ed or Team Reid? Are you impressed by David? Think he’ll make it all the way? Leave some comments!
Team ED!