As all of the losers get kicked off Bachelor Pad, the content for my blog goes significantly downhill. I mean, take a look back to the first episode when we had an abundance of #superterds, Jamie, and The Virgin. Slowly but surely, my content is being shipped away in limos, bound for Bachelor Reunions.
After the most dramatic Rose Ceremony yet, Chris Harrison shows up and hands out surveys to the contestants, filled with personal questions to answer before tomorrow’s challenge. Luckily, this means that will be catfights, tears and awkward moments, although nothing can stack up to last season when Erica got pounded with paint balls in her back to every single question.
Game Show Time
Although I wish we were playing Double Dare, or better yet, Hunger Games, as my Twitter friend Andrea Lavinthal said, it’s a simple Q&A Game Show about Bachelor franchise knowledge and the surveys from the night before. The girls are in the hot seats first, with Jaclyn and Sarah crushing the competition. The best question being, “The person who has accomplished the least in life is Blakeley,” which Nick said. I’m not sure why Nick doesn’t think waxing shapes into vaginas isn’t an accomplishment…
Jaclyn wins for the ladies and with that, it’s time for the gentlemen. Ed and Michael, the guys from the “old” seasons, are killing it. We learn that Blakeley likes to pretend she’s only slept with 9 guys, most likely a misinterpretation of the question… She obviously thought it ended with “this year,” and Sarah got banged on top of a car in a public parking lot. Way to pick em, ABC! Then we hear that Jamie would rather sleep with Chris over her current partner… First of all, she doesn’t have a current partner. Second, THIS IS NOT A SURPRISE. And last, Jamie thinks that Jaclyn is manipulative and fake.
Ed wins, so he and Jaclyn each get to take someone on a romantic date.
Ed & Jaclyn’s Date
Jaclyn chooses Ed for her date, even though he’s already safe, and they head out to Dodgers Stadium for what looks like a really fun date. Because Ed went on the date with Jaclyn, they get to decide who Ed’s date will be forfeited to.
Back at the house, Sarah is feeling played, because well… She gave Ed a beej like three days ago and now he’s sharing a hot dog with Jaclyn. And Chris is scheming, trying to figure out a good way to get some action with Jamie tonight, since he’s bored and looking for easy ass. Blakeley is too busy crying to Rachel in the hot tub, so Jamie is the best option.
On the date… Jaclyn and Ed romantically share a hot dog, similar to Lady and The Tramp, and debate whether they’ll give the rose to Chris or Kalon. Then they’re spotted by the Kiss Cam… And bam! Cue fireworks… Great date.
At the house… Jamie is chasing Chris around like a puppy dog and they end up in bed, most likely playing “just the tip.” While dry humping, Jamie asks Chris if he’s been into her since the beginning, as Chris thinks about how little of a spark he feels when kissing Jamie. She’s on Cloud 9, and he’s thinking about which housemate he should fondle the next day.
Jamie is a great example for all females out there who are wondering why a guy doesn’t seem that interested… HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Stop embarrassing yourself, and fast.
Are You Ready for Some Action?
Jaclyn and Ed give Chris the second date, and his card reads, “Are you ready for some action? Choose one woman that is.” Well, based on the speed at which these girls are dropping their panties, I think most of them fit the bill. But Chris knows that Sarah is down to go South, so he chooses her.
Jamie, who has completely lost her mind and dignity, gets why he took Sarah and understands that Chris didn’t pick her. She says “it’s the great part about him!” D-E-L-U-S-I-O-N-A-L.
Their date turns into an action movie, when they’re greeted in a parking lot by Mr. Chow, who asks if either of them have any action background. Sarah asks if fellatio counts, but Mr. Chow isn’t amused. Then Sarah, who wears leather well (shocking), tries to kiss Chris a few times and in the end, jumps on him and seals the deal.
Back at the house… Chris Harrison shows up with a surprise rose for Ed to give to one of the ladies. And after probably zero thought, gives it to Rachel, because she’s the coolest option available.
At dinner… Chris and Sarah talk about what a fabulous day they had, and then make out. Then they end up in a hot tub, and shocking, she ends up on top of him. Chris decides to jump on this opportunity, and her, and asks Sarah if she wants to “get a room,” which she immediately says yes to. DUH.
Meanwhile, at the house, Jamie and Blakeley are having an idiotic conversation about who’s more pathetic, while Chris is going to Pound Town with Sarah. Jamie thinks that he’s lovable, loyal and respectful. Yup, so does Sarah’s vajay right about now.
The Morning After
The next morning, Chris and Sarah arrive home in their clothes from the day before. Similar to the way Sarah’s womanhood is feeling, Jamie feels hurt and pain.
Chris Harrison shows up and he might have had too many G&T’s, because he asked Sarah to fill everyone in on what happened this week.
David tries to oust Nick, fighting as the last #superterd till the very end, and Jamie and Blakeley are begging for votes.
My biggest question of the night was why Kalon lied to Ed and Chris about voting out Blakeley. It’s only going to come back to make him look like a liar, so it didn’t make much sense to me.
In the end, David and Jamie are sent home, but not without another shining moment from Jamie and Chris. And Michael pulls through with a stellar line, saying, “Chris is starting fires in girls pants.” Mhmm… My thoughts exactly.
David’s exit was awesome. Although the tears made me throw up a little wine in my mouth, he was absolutely the coolest fan on the show. And so honored to be there… It was kind of touching to see. Way to go, David! Drinks on me at Osprey this weekend.
And Jamie, I truly hope that you learn from this embarrassing experience and never let a man wrap you around his finger like Chris did again. Go buy, “He’s Just Not That Into You.”
Were you sad to see David or Jamie go? Do you think Chris is doomed or will he create some new fires in girls pants next week?