Bachelor Pad Shake-Up

Apologies for the blog delay today, friends. Real life got in the way of things. And apologies for no pictures. Again, real life. It’s a bitch.

The aftermath of the Rose Ceremony unfolds and Blakeley knows that Chris’s plan backfired and he tried to evict her. Chris thinks she’s putting Tony under her spell now, because apparently Blakeley is now a witch. While Chris sulks in his bunk bed, of course, Sarah comes to play with him, replacing Jamie as the token desperate female. And like Jamie, she feels bad for Chris. He must be serving up a roofie-coolata or something.

Kalon and Chris have some beef and Chris gets angry, similar to his days on The Bachelorette, when I was convinced that his next gig would be on America’s Most Wanted.

After Kalon, Chris talks to Ed about lying to him, and in Chris’s defense (which I never thought I’d say), I don’t understand why Ed and Kalon lied to him. Usually he seems like a complete dufus, but it seems like they could have been honest with him and nothing would have changed. Sarah watches in amazement, not knowing what to say since she’s given them both beejs.

GREATEST FALL OF CHINA

It’s time for the challenge and the biggest shock to me was seeing Nick’s face, because seriously, where the hell has he been since Donna’s throat cavity? Chris Harrison explains that there will be no points cast against the losers, and the challenge involves balancing teacups. Blakeley is at an unfair advantage, because she’s worked at Hooters forever. Similar to her advantage in most of the challenges – slutty dancing, playing with whipped cream and cracking nuts on her head. And Erica is pissed because there is never a challenge that caters to her strengths. Maybe next season they’ll introduce a game show called, “Who has the most monotone voice ever” and she’ll win!

Sarah almost wins, but gets disqualified in the last second and now knows how Olympic swimmers feel. I think even Ryan Lochte would be embarrassed being compared to the Bachelor Pad. Blakeley wins and thanks Hooters in her acceptance speech.

Then, Tony wins for the guys and Chris is convinced that the Blakeley/Tony win is the worst thing that could possibly happen to him right now. I beg to differ and think that might be syphilis, but who knows.

Blakeley decides to go on Tony’s date and forfeit her date to Kalon. In choosing between the day date and the overnight date, Blakeley thinks it’s a no-brainer choosing the overnight date because it involves jet packs, helicopters and maybe Vegas. And maybe sex.

KALON & LINDZI’S DATE

A package arrives for Kalon and Lindzi, including diamond jewels for Lindzi. Blakeley is jealous that Lindzi gets jewels, forgetting that, although less sparkly, she’ll probably get Tony’s jewels on their overnight date. Kalon gets a key, and it’s to a Bentley, not Lindzi’s vajay.

They arrive to a ghetto bridge in LA, shut down for the two of them. Dinner, wine, champagne… And Kalon feels like this is what it’d be like if zombies took over the world, just them chillin’ on a bridge having dinner. And me, stuck home, watching this, debating self destruction.

They have a mushy time and talk about feelings.

Back at the house… Chris is drinking until he passes out, not understanding how he went from King of the Castle to a servant. Hooking up with the entire house didn’t help his cause.

BLAKELEY & TONY’S DATE

Blakeley and Tony go outside to find a Jeep, just as she’s talking about how fancy their date is going to be. Erica thinks the date is a fit for Blakeley, since she’s on the trashier side with manly tattoos and used to work at Hooters, again proving why Erica is ridiculously entertaining.

The map leads Blakeley and Tony to a trailer. Um, no comment, although I really would’ve liked to see Kalon roughing it on this date. During the fanciest trailer-themed date of all time, Blakeley and Tony cook dinner and talk about how happy they are to hang out.

Back at the house… Michael makes a fake date for him and Rachel outside with lots of snuggling. Yup, ridiculously cute.

Back at the trailer park… IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT WES HAYDEN’S SONG COMES ON THE RADIO. Um, right. And just as Tony turns on the music. And they dance and make babies. How freakin’ perfect.

Back at the brothel… Rachel covers up a camera with a sheet. Everyone is getting ass. And Ed, is passed out drunk. Typical.

THE NEXT DAY

Blakeley and Tony return to the brothel like little puppies in love and Sarah asked if they made whoopies. Tony gets to choose who he’d like to give his rose to, and right before it says it, Chris does what he’s best at and interrupts the middle of a rose ceremony. Tony keeps things neutral and gives the rose to Jaclyn.

COCKTAIL PARTY/ROSE CEREMONY

Chris Harrison makes things weird and calls out all of the couples in the house, putting Ed and Jaclyn in a shitty position, which Ed doesn’t handle well. The whole scene is uncomfortable and kind of sad. To make things even spicier, Harrison announces that everyone votes for a woman and she chooses the man to leave with her. BOOM.

Michael contrives a plan to get out Erica… Smart, yet the devil has come out in him and it obviously can’t be that easy.

Ed and Jaclyn sit outside… And she’s borderline tears. She says that she felt she wouldn’t be sleeping with him, literally, if she didn’t have some kind of feelings for him. This sounds like the story of every girls life, and I wish Ed handled it better.

The whole Chris/Michael/Erica saga was one of the crazier things that’s happened on this show in a while, and although I’ll miss Stag, Chris is way too entertaining for me to wish eviction upon. It’s bad enough that I can’t make fun of Erica anymore.

Erica gets voted off and chooses Michael to leave with her. Immediately, it’s like everyone just watched Homeward Bound, because the tears start flowing. Erica gives Michael a solid piece of her mind, even throwing in the Holly card.

So, was this the craziest episode ever? Most dramatic episode ever? I suppose. What’d you think? With a fan favorite like Michael Stag out, who are you rooting for?