I’ll say it again… The first few episodes of Bachelor Pad are the best. Then the exciting, dramatic, slutty, drunk people get voted off and we’re left with white rice. I find myself waiting to see what fashion choices the girls make, actually invested in the progressing relationships, and then I check to see if I’ve lost my mind.
The episode kicked off by mourning the loss of Michael Stagliano, because if you didn’t know, he basically died. At least that’s how it appears based on the tears in the Pad after the Rose Ceremony. And as if Rachel wasn’t upset enough, Chris Harrison pops up and throws a handful of Kosher Salt in her wounds, announcing that from here on out, everyone is playing as a couple. BAM! By default, Rachel partners with Nick who has been acting like a Mime all season.
Spelling Bee
The school bus arrives to take the crew to a Spelling Bee for their challenge. I’m not sure I’d want any of these numbnuts on my team in a Spelling Bee… Let’s just look at their professions: Vagina Waxer, Lumber Salesman, Personal Trainer, etc. Any teachers in this bunch? Oh right, a teacher wouldn’t go on Bachelor Pad, duh.
Tony announces that spellings bees are like the one thing he’s not good at. I think he forgot about not crying like a little bitch on national television. The Harry Potter kids show up straight from Hogwarts to judge the contest and either their parents are smoking crack or huge fans of the show, because who in their right mind would sign their kid up to judge anything on the Bachelor Pad?
Blakeley and Tony, Kalon and Lindzi, and Rachel and Nick are quickly disqualified, leaving Sarah to realize what idiots she lives with. I’m surprised it took her so long to figure that out. The remaining couples battle it out for way too long, and what’s much more amusing to me is the subtle dirty words…
With the easiest word I’ve seen in about 12 rounds, Sarah and Chris win on SERENDIPITY. What is this, amateur hour? The fact that Chris paused for so long during this was unreal.
In the back of the room, Blakeley is sweating balls, knowing that her worst enemy just won. And Jaclyn and Ed win a date for coming in second place.
Sarah and Chris’s Date
Sarah and Chris head on a romantic date to the countryside, and for the first time, Sarah feels at ease. They jump into a lake that looks freezing, and I’m wondering what nasty shit is at the bottom, and what kind of shrinkage Chris is working with. They start talking about Chris’s relationship with Emily… Which is really a stretch on the term, “relationship.”
Back at the house… Jaclyn is doing damage control on the Earthquake that she calls Rachel, who is debating leaving the Pad to go chill with Michael for a few days. Listen, I love Michael, and I’m sure he’s a blast in a glass, but he’s not worth losing $250K. I’m starting to think he might have actually died, as Rachel keeps being compared to a widow and there is talk of how “Michael would want you to go through with it.” Rachel was also so upset, that she forgot to wash her little feet for a few days.
Someone get my girl a pedicure, would ya?!
Back on the date… Similar to calling a one-night stand your boyfriend, Chris is calling what he had with Emily a relationship, over a romantic dinner in a barn. The barn doors shut and I think we all know what’s happening in there tonight.
At the house… Blakeley, Rachel and Jaclyn are having a Victoria’s Secret PINK sponsored pajama party, talking Rachel off the ledge and convincing her that she’ll make it through the week. Blakeley announces that if she wins the money, she can stop waxing vaginas. Now if that’s not a compelling argument, I don’t know what is.
Jaclyn and Ed’s Date
The date card arrives, reading “Let’s Cast Away,” which I’m hoping involves a deserted island and a volleyball, but I’m let down quickly. Instead, they take a plane ride over the California coast and have a romantic picnic. Jaclyn and Ed talk about feelings and Ed’s chick back at home.
Back at the house… Tony takes a card from Michael’s playbook and sets up a mini-snugglefest-date for Blakeley outside of the house. Then, he tells her that she’s the first thing he thinks of when he wakes up, and the last thing he thinks of before he goes to sleep. What happened to Tony missing his son? Boobs. And Blakeley is looking for her knight in shining armor, preferably in neon and sequins.
Back to the date… Jaclyn and Ed talk more about their feelings, and she tells him that he makes her feel like an insignificant piece of shit. In nicer and more confusing words, he replies by saying he wants to keep hooking up, being her partner, but with no strings attached.
When they return to the house, Ed and Jaclyn have roses to give out, so the ass kissing begins. Blakeley and Tony do the best job of ass kissing, so the roses go to them.
Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony
It comes down to Lindzi and Kalon or Rachel and Nick, and Nick get’s all feisty, potentially ruining things for he and Rachel. Rachel doesn’t seem that concerned, because she’s outside having phone sex with Michael, who has pulled a Jesus and risen from the dead. The big decision is for Tony and Blakeley, but I’m having trouble focusing on anything besides Tony’s outfit selection. Blakeley is clearing rubbing off on him.
As expected, Lindzi and Kalon get the boot, but not before he jumps in her limo to profess his love. Okay, they’re kind of cute.
The previews for next week look ridiculous. What’d you think of tonight? Who are you rooting for to win the $250K?
I think these people thing $250k is a lot more money than it actually is… It’s probably not enough for Blakeley to quit working forever.
And Lindzi and Kalon are cute?? Ew, I hate his lips.
No, she definitely can’t quit working forever, but she could probably start waxing celebrity vaginas. Or at least get cable with Showtime!
And they’re KINDA cute. Not including his botoxed/lipbalmed-up lips. Or her orange face.