The Bachelor is finally back. My Monday’s are officially shot to hell; my potty mouth is officially back; and more so than ever, THESE BITCHES ARE CRAZY. I’m not sure if it was my new Bachelor watching partner, the wine I drank, or the absurdity of the ladies, but I laughed out loud more than ever tonight. What is wrong with humanity? Where are these girls’ parents? Who raised these freaks?
More so than ever, it’s the perfect season for a topless montage. Upon Sean’s heartbreak from Emily, he really lost himself, so it’s a good thing he’s back in the gym and working hard.
And for any ladies who needed a visual image of heaven… Now you have it. Men can watch porn to get turned on. Ladies watch this:
Just a quick little trip back in time to Kensington’s Cottage.
Sean’s bestie, Arie, stops over for a quick visit… to chug a beer and talk about tonsil hockey. This isn’t weird at all. Sean and Arie were barely buddies on Emily’s season, and probably haven’t seen each other since Sean got the ax in Curacao, but whatever… All is good in Bachelor land. After a brewski, Arie gives Sean a lesson in passionate kissing. And if ladies across the country weren’t completely melted before… whoa. Insert me here:
A few thoughts on the intro packages from some of Sean’s special ladies…
Desiree, who works at a bridal store, is bound to be a psychotic bride. Her giggle is annoying and she still looks like a child to me.
Tierra got some screwed up fashion advice from Jamie Otis before the season kicked off. She went with the old, “Let’s hang dinner plates from my ears and see what happens,” move. As usual, ginormous fail.
Robyn is flexible and has a combover worse than Donald Trump’s.
Ashley P. is a hairstylist who can’t figure out why she’s still single. And she’s obsessed with her cat and 50 Shades of Grey. Let’s re-visit that first question, shall we?
Kristy is a big deal. She’s a FORD MODEL. Haven’t you people heard of Ford? They’re huge.
And AshLee is super organized. Her underwear is labeled, nail polish is color coded, and if you date her, she’ll organize your undies too.
The limo arrivals begin… And *some first impressions are made. (Note: Some ladies are not included because you did not make an impression on me. Be grateful. Most impressions are terrible ones.)
Jackie, who is so god damn small, puts lipstick on and stains Sean’s face. I kind of liked it.
Selma, who is gorgeous, takes a tissue out of her cleavage to wipe off Jackie’s lip juice and I have to wonder, what else is she hiding in there?
Daniella 100% took a few bars in the limo cause this chick is sedated throughout the entire handshake. Her nickname is now Drugged Daniella.
Felicity, the yoga girl, comes in barefoot. Sean is definitely thinking about downward dog.
Kelly legit got shit on by a spray tanning booth. I’m not sure if her parents were Oompa Loompas, or if she really did get in some kind of spray tanning explosion, but it has to be one of the two. There is no other explanation for this. I will put aside that her dress was white and had not only sequins, but feathers. And I will even ignore the fact that she sang. But that skin color, I can not.
50 Shades shows up and pulls a tie out of her outfit. Momma is proud!
Robyn decides to show off her gymnastic skills and falls… Do we think she might have been hurt? Could she sue ABC for the amount of water they spray on that driveway? The whole time I was worried about her combover.
Dinnerplate Tierra made quite the impression and Sean immediately gave her a rose… Completely breaking all Bachelor rules, that bad ass. He’s wild these days!
Awkward Amanda does this weird thing where she’s silent and I’m not sure if they felt awkward, but I sure did.
Keriann… I’m not sure what kind of impression she made on Sean, but she’s claiming to have driven a million miles to see him. Maybe throughout that journey she could have brushed her hair. And possibly thrown in a wash. You know when your hair gets SO greasy that it begins to curl? Yup, that’s happening.
Lesley continues to impress me with her football scam. I’m always up for an ass-check.
Ashley H… Where in the world did you find this dress? Was this a recycled Cinderella Halloween costume? If I never see this again, I’ll die happy.
Italian Lauren tells Sean that if her breaks her heart, her Dad will break his face. Mhmm… Remind me to NEVER tell a guy that when I go on dates.
And lastly, Lindsay with balls. She is so pretty and seems fun, but why wear the wedding dress? I’m trying to see the humor, but instead I see weird, slightly creepy and enough to send a guy running for the hills.
Lastly, Chris Harrison has a surprise for Sean, and unfortunately, it’s not me. Kacie Boguski from Ben’s season shows up to throw him for a loop. My jaw hit the floor when I saw her legs… I must find out what workout routine she’s using these days. Wow! And her dress… Let’s just say, I’m not sure her father would approve.
Inside, the ladies start freaking out. Kacie had her chance with Ben, how dare she get another chance at love with Sean?! EW. One of them even mentions that she feels like they’re all at Prom. Well, most of them sure look like it. And that’s not a good thing.
Kacie gets some 1-on-1 time, revealing that after meeting Sean at an event in NYC this summer, she left with a big crush.
After that, Sean hands out roses faster than the Bachelor Pad house hands out condoms and vaccines. On the list – Desiree, AshLee, Selma, Robyn, Felicity, Catherine and Jackie.
Lindsay is worried that Sean didn’t get the joke of her in a wedding dress and promises that she was just trying to poke fun. I think she was trying to poke a few other things.
Meanwhile, inside, 50 Shades is shaking it like a salt shaker, waiting for Sean to come in with a flogger. She interrupts his time with Paige and tries to carry on a conversation, which only leads to sloppy sexual awkwardness.
Then Sean and has a heart to heart with Sarah, partially about her arm, promising that he’s not uncomfortable. Meanwhile, we all know he’s at least slightly awkward about the whole thing. Personally, I don’t know if I’d be uncomfortable. I’d hope not, but I’ve also never been in that situation. One thing I will say is to Sarah… Girl, you are beautiful. One arm, two arms, or no arms. You’re not single because you only have 1.5 arms. I have two and I’m single too. It happens.
Well, when you’ve handed out almost all of the roses, the ceremony isn’t all that exciting.
Awkward Amanda, Lobbyist Lesley, Kacie, Ford Model, Drugged Daniella and The Bride all get roses.
And 50 Shades goes home to have a sex toy party all by her lonesome. Paige once again does not get a rose. And the Orange Girl is gone, and doesn’t seem to get that it had nothing to do with her singing. You were orange.
This night was pretty hysterical. I think this season could be a winner. I’ll be back later this week to post my Top 5, but in the meantime, would love to hear your thoughts! Any favorites? Best dressed? Worst dressed? Thanks for reading!