Bachelor Double Feature

So this week ABC decided to ruin my life entirely and run 4 hours of The Bachelor. As if my life wasn’t already a complete shitshow this week, now I have to watch hours of crazy drunk bitches and Sean Lowe, inevitably delaying packing, laundry and all other important life tasks. Because of this crap, the two-night special is lumped into one blog post for your reading pleasure. It might be sloppy, brief and slightly infused with red wine… Hope you enjoy!

Just as much as I was dreading writing this blog, these girls were dreading the 2-on-1 date. Personally, I don’t get it. Go big or go home! As much as Tierra was hated on this week, I liked her more. Edgy, aggressive and dramatic… Get it girl.

The week kicked off in Montana and the chances of any of the girls knowing where the state is was unlikely. For sure thought they were going to the Far East. Sean’s outdoorsy… So am I.

Lindsay’s Date

Lindsay, the substitute teacher (AKA unemployed), gets the first 1-on-1 and cries. She’s obviously been caged for way too long. The two tour Glacier National Park and Sean is relieved that Lindsay isn’t high maitenence.

Later the night, they talk about Lindsay’s family and history of being an army brat. He’s analyzing her as if he’s Brad Womack’s psychiatrist, except for the non-stop making out. Sean has a surprise for Lindsay. He staged a Whitefish Idol concert for her. I guess it was really a Sarah Darling concert, but really, who the hell is Sarah Darling?

Group Date

Selma shows up making Mom proud, straddling Sean immediately. After he tames down his situation, he tells the girls that they’ll be competing for time with him, bucking hay, milking goats and chugging goats milk. And if it wasn’t bad enough that Sean has 8 girls milking goats for him, he also has a girl with one arm doing it.

Watching this relay was almost as brutal as watching a Sunday Jets game, except for when Desiree threw back goat’s milk as if it were her job. Sean, obviously proud and impressed, cheering on the sidelines. Red team wins!

Later on, Sean realizes that he made a party foul and that most of the redeeming ladies are actually on the Blue Team, so he decides to call them back to the party. The Red Team is super angry, knowing they’re the second favorites and that slugging down thick goat milk did nothing for them.

Tierra didn’t get the memo to stay home, so she steals a Blue Team shirt and joins the party.

Sean and Catherine spend a romantic moment making out near a dumpster. Then Drunk Daniella cries because she thinks he’s sitting on Catherine’s lap. Note to Daniella: He likely smells like trash. Don’t be jealous.

Instead of leaving the garbage stench alone, she finds Sean, cries and makes out with him, winning her a rose. Boom. Sympathy rose conquered.

2-on-1 Date

 

Time for the “dreaded 2-on-1” AKA the “2-on-1 isn’t so bad and be excited that you’re not on a 10-on-1 you dumb bitches.” Jackie, Tierra and Sean ride some horses and bore me to tears. Then Jackie decides that during her 1-on-1 time, she’s going to talk about Tierra flirting with hotties at the airport and completely screw up any chance of romance with Sean.

Dinner is awkward and the fact that Sean mentions that he’d rather be ANYWHERE ELSE, well, that can’t be good. Tierra and Sean bond, where she tells him about her elementary school boyfriend who ended up in rehab and then died. Obviously Sean can’t send her home after that, because duh. She gets a rose and little Jackie is sent packing.

Rose Ceremony

Desiree pulled back the bangs and pulled out the tatas – bangs back, boobs out. Unfortunately, it’s not doing it for Sean.

Sean investigates the Tierra situation, which is really driving me to boredom tears, so I’m not even going there.  Then Sean and C-Harr (I’m going with it) start talking about what a tough and TURBULENT week it was. WAHHHH Sean, cry me a god damn river.

Sean sends Robyn packing and I am not surprised.

 

BACHELOR RUINS MY LIFE – PART II

So, this show is really ruining my life. Luckily, the second part of this shitshow was enjoyed with a TON of wine. Not even a gallon, jug, or carafe, but a TON.

Catherine’s Date

Sean finally takes his giggly friend Catherine on a date, but instead of something romantic, he puts her in a onesie and drives a snowbus through Canada. He said he wanted to give her a “blizzard test.” I’m not even going to say what that could really mean. If a guy wanted to put me through a blizzard test, I’d put him through a f*ck off test.

That night, they ride in a carriage to an ice castle, similar to Disney Princesses on Ice. The ABC budget was cut, so they have to chip off ice from the castle to use in their drinks. Catherine needs a sad story explaining how she is ready for marriage, so she talks about her friend dying at the age of 12 and how it lead her to knowing she wanted to get married. This isn’t band camp.

Sean and Catherine are pretty cute together, band camp aside, and enjoyable to watch.

Group Date

The group date starts with canoeing, which again seems like a shitty date, and then is followed up by the Polar Bear Plunge. Things I never want to hear on a date: “Here is your EMT.” Followed by things I do want to hear on a date: “Let’s go get undressed.” Selma had the right idea on this date, knowing it actually isn’t a once in a lifetime opportunity, and instead, using the plunge time to re-apply her lipgloss.

Most girls come out of the frigid water and appear to have snorted crack… They’re way too excited about the cold water. Tierra on the other hand has frozen into an ice sculpture, ready to shoot a Waterproof Mascara PSA. It was obviously a fabulous fake job to get a free Skinny Vanilla Latte and warm blanket.

Well played, Tierra.

That night, Lesley gets the rose. Tierra comes back. And Lindsay sucks Seans face. Then Sean realizes that Sarah and him have zero chemistry, and even with her fantastic wardrobe, it’s time she leaves.

Desiree’s Date 

Daniella is broken up about not being on this date, but because she always seems a little drunk, no one else is surprised. Dez and Sean get all active, while I pour some wine and lose interest. Then they have a little picnic, make out in a field and climb a tree. I like these two.

At night, they get cozy in a tee-pee because Dez lived in a tent growing up, and Sean is channeling his inner Indian roots.

Because she was almost homeless, she gets a rose.

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony 

Selma goes in for a mini-kiss which now seems like Sloppy 3^rd and Lindsay holds back on kissing for about 12 seconds, then telling Sean she sleeps nude. Other than sleeping naked, I don’t see any redeeming qualities here.

AshLee gets way too emotional and vulnerable with her blindfold act. Maybe she didn’t know that we already had a 50 Shades thing on the first night? And this is way too serious and emotional? Memo please.

Sean eliminates Drunk Daniella and Selma. I’m pissed off about Selma being gone because now I need a new girl crush.