Bachelor Goes to St. Croix

This week I decided to tone down my psychotic Bachelor viewing restrictions and invite my dear friend Amanda over for the shenanigans… Have to give her a quick shout-out and thank her for being pleasant, quiet and funny!

The week started off with Tierra setting up her cot in St. Croix which seems fitting because it’s standard to make children sleep on cots. After lots of squeeling, the date card goes to AshLee, who Tierra names a cougar. Personally, I’d take it as a compliment. Cougar = Hot women scoring young hot men… WINNING.

AshLee’s Date

AshLee and Sean swim out to a beautiful catamaran, which is super symbolic for her because it obviously relates back to when she was a baby and her parents didn’t want her. We quickly are able to verify that AshLee does indeed have fake boobs, which probably relates to adoption also somehow. Then AshLee enters into a deep conversation about her arch-nemesis, Tierra, letting Sean know that she’s a giant bitch.

Later that night, to prove the cougar rumors false, AshLee sports her cutest crop-top with floral pants to dinner and drops a bomb on Sean. She was married in high school, which is also because she was adopted. Duh! Sean tells her that he doesn’t view her as broken, and in his head he’s thinking, “more like a shattered mess.” She then proclaims her love for Sean by yelling on top of a chair. Something completely normal… Taking notes for my dating life.

Tierra’s Date

Tierra gets to explore the streets of St. Croix and give Americans a bad rap. She feels hot, thirsty and gross, yet she’s the one calling AshLee a cougar. Menopause much? Sean pulls a Jake Pavelka and decides to purchase a tacky puka shell necklace.

During their romantic evening by the water, I was too busy to look at how long and gnarly Tierra’s toenails looked and missed a lot of their conversation.

They smush faces and Tierra whispers that she’s falling in love. Cut your toenails.

Group Date 

Sean wants to see what the ladies look like without inches of cake make-up on their face, so he sneaks into the house and wakes up Lindsay, Catherine and Des to take pictures of them. In most instances this would be warrant for arrest, but in Bachelor world, it’s all good. Catherine only needed a minute to pee and unfortunately for Lindsay, the production team wouldn’t let her put any cover-up on her zit.

Rather than go South like he probably hoped for, Sean takes the ladies as far East in the United States as you can possibly go to watch the sunrise. I’ll admit… One of the better Bachelor activities that I’ve seen in a while. Then, they embark on a road trip across St. Croix to catch the sunset.

They visit a few farm animals, but luckily for the girls, no milking is involved today. Well, at least involving the animals. They cuddle on the beach and Catherine gets super serious, talking about her Dad’s depression. Sean already gave her a rose from a sad story, so this week it’s Linday’s turn, zit and everything.

Dez says, “There is no sunset,” which is such a brilliant metaphor for her not getting the rose.

Lesley’s Date

Lesley’s date was short and awkward. Besides a solid kiss, they rambled about their progression, picked fruit and made uncomfortable faces.

I think it was kind of obvious that she was going home.

Drama

Sean’s sister Shay rolls up in St. Croix, dressed like a double sided highlighter and ready to give Sean advice on the ladies.

Meanwhile, inside, Tierra and AshLee are about to brawl and Tierra finally addresses her ridiculously weird eyebrows and notes that her parents told her she has a sparkle in her. It’s very dim.

Sean notices that Tierra needs a manicure and sends her home. Casting for Bachelor Pad 3 is underway and it’s for the best. He then calls her an emotional mess. Boom.

Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony

At the cocktail party, Sean tells the ladies that he sent Tierra back to Crazy Town. His mind is made up and there won’t be a party.  Lesley is sent home and Catherine is the most broken up about it. Apparently they had some kind of a fling in the house and she’s taking it badly. Something like that…

Until next week…